Can You Handle Me?!

Sometimes I feel like I am feeling too much, sometimes I feel like I am thinking too much. There’s never enough of one kind in me, and there’s always something that’s missing deep down inside. I’m not sure if all these feelings and all these thoughts are what I am supposed to live right now, but they are the only thing I have for myself, so I try to get by.

I try to get by past the indifference and past the heartache, past the people that hurt me, past the people that weren’t honest. Past all of those who didn’t have the balls to say things to my face, and past those who had the balls to say something mean and gratuitous, without a real base.

I try to get by past the people who take „please, forgive me” for granted, as they take me for granted. Past the people who think that, if I ever felt something towards them, that feeling will still be here forever and they can play that card anytime they wish.

I try to feel, without feeling too much, and I try to think, without overthinking. But this is all I am good at – overzealous feeling coupled with a big paranoid brain that never sleeps. And I can handle that, but can you handle me?!

Internet Affair

Thank God that this is only an internet affair.
She thought while typing furiously about kisses.
virtual kisses for a virtual man,
While her real man was in bed,
Asleep,
Unaware,
Sincere,
And loving.
Thank God he doesn’t know I know the Wi-Fi password.
She thought as she was imagining all the ways
She should have been kissed,
Or held,
Or loved,
Or whatever.

Thank God she doesn’t know I know.
He thought while reading the words she typed about kisses.
Those virtual kisses for a virtual man,
While he was real
And he was in her bed.
He read all that stuff about sleeping,
And loving,
And caring,
While thinking no one cares,
And no one loves,
And no one sleeps with somebody now.
So why is he sad?
Why is he hurt?
It’s only an internet affair
And she knows the Wi-Fi password.

The Years of the Villains

Nowadays people seem to forget about the good guy and the underdog, it is the Era of the Villain. A great antihero is more than a mastermind-muscle combo, and sure it is more than a tragic story for the news. Today’s villains come in all shapes and sizes, with snares to spare and drama to fill the void of scarred childhoods. Today’s villains come to fill the void of unnecessary goodness in our heroes and to provide humanity to our fictional worlds that have become a little too perfect.

Everything started with Heath Ledger‘s Joker, one of the most charismatic villains in the past few years. Everyone was charmed by his tragic role, filled with a great villaney effect that set the bar uber high for the next villains of the cinematography.

I must admit I haven’t seen the movie, but I was touched by the following this character has. It is said that Ledger immersed into this role without a safety net, and that this is observable. As far as I know it, he was a great actor that usually focused on his role and I also know about his trouble with medication before his death. However, it is not the dedication that makes his role unique, nor is his death. He also died before The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, and no one seems to view that movie as high as they regard The Dark Night. Ledger was born to play this role, to gather all his darkness and concentrate it on The Joker. He used all his dementia, all his depth and all his fright to deliver a sinister performance of one of the most hated villains in the Batman Universe.

Heath Ledger brings nuances, danger and evil to a city that’s already trying to cope with the darkness inside it. In retrospective, you can say that The Joker is one of the most developed villains of the modern era, and we have to give proper thanks to Mr. Ledger, who made it all possible.

The second villain that comes to mind is another one from the Batman Universe. Tom Hardy plays a very physical character, Bane, a person that uses strength in order to make the others succumb to his will. Bane is not, however, your typical bully-jock combination. He suffered a great deal and he did good things at one point, but now his aggressive side has taken over and all that he wants is to unleash his inner animal.

With Bane everything is about spilled blood, and the reality of that shocks everyone almost like it did when the mastermind was behind all the destruction. Bane was the underdog of the villains, a mercenary out of a pit, left for dead when you no longer had use for him, and this makes his character so much sadder than it should be.

But by far, Loki is the one that seems to fire up the spirits. I don’t remember seeing people of all kinds raving over one single thing: Tom Hiddleston‘s Loki. His portrayal of the Norse god of deceit left people with a new toy in town, and boy, do they love their toy!

He doesn’t bring the desperation that The Joker possessed, nor the trauma within Bane. Instead, he comes from the highest family in Asgard, with a great burden: knowing that he is not the real son of his father, the one being deceived and lied to all along.

Loki is unstable, though focused. He is smugh, though uncertain. He is brave, though without purpose. And above everything else, he enjoys every single moment of his life. Hiddleston has that godly magnetism that draws men and women alike with his raw power. He plays people on his fingers and he manages to be the only one you root for from the first minute of the movie until the last one. His Loki is what we wish we could do, if only we had that kind of power and that kind of courage.

I hope this era of villains doesn’t end here. We need perspective, because our perfect heroes are not so perfect and they don’t exist in full in our world, but each of us could draw some lessons from the Bane in our souls or the Loki in our heads. We need our bad to be good also, in order to give that good side in us something to fight about. We need our villains to make our fights worthwile. We need our villains to make them fight for us and we need to appreciate them more than we do now.

Cenusa

Intre minciuni luminoase
Si cuvinte frumoase
Nu e decat cenusa
Ascunsa sub usa
Si praf de matusa.
Fara noroc si fara joc,
Fara iubire deloc,
Lucrurile s-au dus rapid in jos.
Nimic nu mai e frumos
Si nici spectaculos.
E simplu sa pretinzi
Ca e asa cum te prezinti.
Dar nimeni nu-ti va spune ca gresesti
Cand vorbele nu-ti ies si nu reusesti
Sa ma convingi ca ma iubesti.

Is It Still Cheating If It’s Over?

Dear Marcus,

Sorry to be so blunt and leave you at the party like that, but you have to understand that my life, my party, my rules. So, even if I still think highly of you (no, I don’t) and even if my mom likes you (no, she doesn’t), I have to tell you the bitter truth.

Our relationship was fun and carefree for a moment there, but it lasted way too many hours and it had way too much drama for it to be fun anymore.

You were always gone, be it in Egypt, or Denmark, or wherever, so I stopped caring in little while.

When you were at home, you did nothing, you fucking piece of slobby ass. You just paraded me like a horse in front of your 40-year old friends with wrecked marriages and bald spots to spare.

I guess I took our relationship for granted, because, since you were never home, you could never perturb my habits. But you did! You did, with your nosy character and your closed little mind, so you were always checking up on me and you were a constant pain in my ass, despite your long leave of absence.

So I stopped caring. Who cares? And because I stopped caring for you, I started caring for someone else.

Sometimes I wondered if it was ok from my part to be such a dick, but then again, the dick was you and you weren’t a particular good dick at all. So I continued my dick moves, because they made me feel better.

This whole situation, corroborated with your absence, made me feel young again. I was taking chances, and I was having fun, and I was in a happy place. Everything was new and thrilling and enticing, so why the heck would I stop?

Just because of your sorry ass? No thank you, my perfectly good ass requires attention and spunk from time to time. Both of which you were unwilling to provide.

So yeah. This is my letter. This is my confession. I started cheating on you, but is it still cheating if it’s over?

Because our relationship was over before it started, and my new relationship with the new and improved me has so much more to offer than your boring presence.

I left you, Marcus. I left you for me and believe me – it was all your fault.

Forever mine,
Jane

The First Lesson

I forgot how good it is to step outside this world looking for new views and new feelings. Looking back at the old ones, this doesn’t seem like such a bad idea after all. Life’s here to make us miserable, it’s only up to us to kick it down and step on it.

This is that time of the year that comes with the reevaluating of the goods, the ascertaining (is that even a word?!) of the situation and the well-adjusted plan. This time, I won’t have any of that.

No plan of mine was a failure, but today I don’t need plans. I just need to find myself. And that’s the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I’m guessing that this first lesson of mine is about redescovering myself.

Definitely, this year will be about making the most out of whatever the heck I have on my plate and transform it in a big dinner for 80. This year will be about me, trying to be the best at whatever, without the guilt, the trauma, the drama, the tears and the fights. This year will be whatever is that I missed for the last few years.

This is why I don’t want your presents. This is why I don’t want your presence.
This is why I want to move on from you, in any way possible. Cause you, my dear old self, are the worst thing that ever happened to me and I am pretty sure I don’t like you in my life.

My first lesson this year will be about moving. The next one will about learning. And maybe the next one will be a complete surprise, cause I have no idea what’s it that I am missing right now, but I am dying to find out.