/rant

It’s easy to fall apart. Easy to get lost, it’s easy to eat out the rust and the darkness inside you.

It’s easy to let things and people devour you, and it’s easy to let it all flush you down with just one bat of lashes.
Sometimes there is no road, no end and no beginning, no bargain for your soul. Sometimes, no blanket is in sight and no helping hand but yours.

But your hand is broken, is bloodied, it has no power to hold you, to support you. Your hand was lost in a battle long forgotten, and the battle was already won by the other side when you started fighting.

Success is not your middle name, nor is happiness. People use you, your body and your feelings, and you feel fine with that. You are numb to everything that’s happening around you.

You help that people will eventually run you down, that they’ll use you to point they won’t care anymore. You’re kinda expecting that. You’re kinda wishing that. And you feel fine with that.

new start

my body is aching
and my time is near.
i hold nothing close
that’s even remotely dear.
my eyes are closed
and my roads are long.
i have forgotten
how to be strong.

history’s on repeat tonight
and i won’t go down without a fight.
lessons are learned and roads are hard,
but i welcome this new start.

Do All Guys Cheat?

I don’t know. But I bet they’re thinking about it.

I’m not sure of how many girls cheat, I’m not sure if I would cheat like, ever (Valley girl-like tone)! But I know one thing for sure.

Everybody is thinking about it.

I thought about it, even if I was single or not. It’s a question of morale, but it’s a hard test to pass in real life.

You have to think about it, if you wanna lie, or come clean, or just plain forget about it. But you also have to think about the other option – do you want to know? Do you need to know? What would you do if you have a cheater next to you?

I sometimes wonder how would it be if I were to cheat on someone. Based on my past experiences, it would be someone who’d I think of as a good partner, a steady rock or something. I’d also like for the one I’m cheating with to be a girl. It feels more safe, a little less prejudiced and a little more loving.

But I also wonder how would it be if someone were to cheat on me (note: I only know of this one guy who sort of cheated on me, but not quite). I am the forgiving type, not a big fan of revenge, so I guess he’d be clean in no time.

Do all people cheat? Who knows? People aren’t true to themselves, do you really think they’re gonna tell you their darkest secret?

Centerpiece

Preferred content of circly stuff,
I don’t know if I’m enough.
I keep getting my head stuck
Inside in and without buck.
Safety’s not the word to say,
I have nothing, anyway.
I just wish I’d be a dream
And I wish you’d die within.
I don’t know which words are true,
„Baby, baby, I love you”.
This is all just a big lie,
Now stop sticking out my eye.
Floors are wet and floors are hard,
I am ashes. I am lard.
Sing me songs of desperation,
Sing of holy desecration.
Memories of what and where,
Dressed in blood and red despair.
Centerpiece of hate and love,
As below, so is above.

The Killers – Shot At The Night

The most killer Killers song this year.

I listen to it, and I want to be covered in night, in the beautiful dark air of freedom… I want a special summer that lasts for a second, I want lights that shine bright above me, I want to be a shadow that dances til the morning…

This song makes me remember simpler times, when I was younger, and free, and with cares that belonged to only me. It makes me feel like a steady rock of glowing energy, if that’s even possible.

It makes me remember summer and islands and purple suns. It makes me remember mirrors that don’t lie and people that don’t hurt.

I think someday I had a shot at the night, but then I grew up and it all went black.

Letters

I keep writing letters to myself and publish them. I know what I want to say to me, but I keep telling it to you. It’s easier that way, because it’s almost a promise made to the world.

One day, I promised myself to learn how to love and how to be good and how to be a beautiful human. I promised I’d be everything that other people were not to me.

27 years have passed and I still don’t know how to love. I’m not good and I am not a beautiful human. I am still scared of people and secretly I wish I was dead, because it would be simpler.

I don’t hate you people, I just don’t care. I’m not sure how to love, but I’m hella good at not caring. It’s easy and clean and it lets me sleep at night. My mind does not bother with weird thoughts of unfitting.

I’m not bad, but I’m not good either. I try to act on impulses, I try to help as much as I can and I’m not the vengeful type, yet I’m not good. My existence does not touch people and I feel perfectly fine with that. In my book, this equals not being good, but I think I might be wrong.

I am not a beautiful human. There’s no denying that, because I don’t like my fellow people and I’m scared of them. I try not to be too visible, but I also try to not be the bug people think I am. I like solitary confinement with music and a blanket, I don’t like crowds, gossip and mean people, but I also don’t feel at home inside close knit groups of benefactors.

I just don’t belong here, and I’m afraid to find out where I do belong.

Zile strambe

De parca zilele s-ar scurge la fel, dar nu s-ar mai scurge… As vrea si n-as vrea sa fac ceva, si daca as face, ce folos as avea? Ca parca viata asta e altfel cand ceva iti iese la afacere, si parca e un pic mai frumos afara daca iesi pe plus din orice.

Dar zilele astea, la fel ca oricare altele, sunt niste zile strambe si fara succes, fara sa ma gandesc atat de des precum ar trebui si precum as putea, dar n-as putea, bai nene, sa-nteleg cumva despre ce e vorba in toata fraza asta lunga cat o zi de post. Si mai stii zilele alea lungi de post? Sunt arse, sunt fum, sunt tarana uscata si rosie, asa ca nu stiu cum sa te mai imbrobodesc, pe cruce sa te slujesc si, daca as vrea (dar nu vreau), as tine ochii deschisi sa te privesc pana cand soarele apune, pana cand pe lume nu mai sunt lucruri bune carora sa le spun pe nume.

E stramb si e innorat, asa ca cerul se aduna si se-adapa usor deasupra mea, fara sa gaseasca o cale mai curata, mai alba, mai uscata, mai normala, care sa poata rasfira pe ea insemnari insemnate de buzate curate. Nu avem si nici nu vrem sa avem tara si ostasi si linguri si seminte de orez, doar samanta de scandal salasluieste in potopul asta de trupuri vinovate si murdare si vinete si insangerate. Ca niste hiene, doar scandalul si semintele lui pervertite saruta trupuri jegoase, mucegaite, macinate si roase de boli inchipuite.

Dar zilele astea strambe nu sunt la fel, nici ieri si nici maine, cu atat mai putin azi. Zilele mele strambe se-aduna ca apa de izvor scuipata din sanii pamantului in cantecul vantului. Si azi am venit cu lopatica sa imi desfac marginile mormantului.