Actually, no, don’t do that. I come from this magical place, where people are not up in each others’ butt, so maybe, just maybe, seeing that someone is friends with some other someone I barely know isn’t an open invitation to „add” them to my social network.
As I child/teen, I used to say that I don’t have a phone, just to skip that moment when people would call me. When I finally got a mobile phone (remember when they used to call them that?), I got the plan which allowed me to pay little to nothing on texts and it also gave the possibility to call people, if I ever needed to do such a wild thing.
I’m not big on socializing, and this has turned me into this weird, awkward being. Or maybe I was already broken and unsociable and the internet has done nothing to fight off this disease.
I don’t know what’s the cause or maybe if there’s a cure, but I live in constant fear of someone asking me to friend them on Facebook. I had to explain a few days ago why I don’t do the „Add friend” thing. I’m afraid, very afraid, that maybe I’m gonna be disrespectful, or maybe that I am disturbing something important, or maybe that I look to desperate.
Something in the lines of that.
See, now, I don’t hate people. But it’s actually really had to talk and approach someone you know, I find it incredibly difficult to stalk people on social media (another shitty thing I’m no good at).
It’s hard to be saved, because people have to fight with you, since we are all taught that saving is for the weak. And then, after they’re done with fighting you, people have to fight whatever demon lie next with you at night and they have to keep those demons away from you.
Saving is hard, because you end up used and broken, and it’s hard to rebuild on that frame something that sees life with bright eyes.
To be saved is the worst nightmare for people like me, who thrive in this puddle of sadness and pain. I will not receive your help, nor will I welcome it. Stay away from me with your saving hands and your warm blankets.
I’m not sure what I wanted, or what I needed… There was something about saving in my head, but my head is bad at remembering stuff and my heart is broken, so who cares?
Having tried several TV shows and failing miserably each time (I’m looking at you, Bones, Fringe, The Mentalist, Supernatural, and so on), as well as trying the same move with different movies, most of them starring the current Mr. Jolie (Se7en and Fight Club being the most notable examples), I can conclude that I am a trier unwilling to let go and unwilling to accept defeat, indifferent of the form it takes.
By these means I am now ready to punish myself for wasting my time and years trying repeatedly to fill in some unwritten norms and failing miserably.
At the same time, I am ready to applaud my stoic manner of pursuing things out of my comfort zone, even though they made me gag or fall asleep each and every single time.
This rant has been cause by several articles per day, read by yours truly, articles which glorify some content products made for entertaining purposes only and not for self-torture, as I was (wrongly) using them.
Well, it’s hard to live a balanced life when music isn’t what it was before, and when movies are not here for your pleasure, but for work purposes, so at least I have my make up on and I guess that could be considered a win.
Starting with last year, I became somewhat obsessed with make up and other girly stuff like that, so I managed to gather quite the collection. But this collection isn’t worth your time or my words, so I’ll just leave it here, for bragging purposes only.
I hate how this time of the year makes me feel so weird, sometimes it feels like spring, but other times it just feels awful. I am swimming in a sea of mixed feelings and I’m not sure if I like it or not. Mostly, I hate it, but one can never be too sure.
I find it hard to come up with a conclusion, so I guess today words are meaningless.
It’s easy to fall apart. Easy to get lost, it’s easy to eat out the rust and the darkness inside you.
It’s easy to let things and people devour you, and it’s easy to let it all flush you down with just one bat of lashes.
Sometimes there is no road, no end and no beginning, no bargain for your soul. Sometimes, no blanket is in sight and no helping hand but yours.
But your hand is broken, is bloodied, it has no power to hold you, to support you. Your hand was lost in a battle long forgotten, and the battle was already won by the other side when you started fighting.
Success is not your middle name, nor is happiness. People use you, your body and your feelings, and you feel fine with that. You are numb to everything that’s happening around you.
You help that people will eventually run you down, that they’ll use you to point they won’t care anymore. You’re kinda expecting that. You’re kinda wishing that. And you feel fine with that.
After a whole Monday filled with music, anxiety, stress and plain ol’ depression, I stumbled upon this little gem.
OK, I’ll admit it. I stumble upon it at least daily, ‘cause I still listen to this little gem. R Kelly and his Ignition are high school memorabilia, they smell like summer and hope and good time, so what’s not to like?
I’ll just leave this here…
Now,um,usually I dont do this but uh….
Go head’ on and break em off wit a lil’ preview of the remix….
No I’m not tryin to be rude,
But hey pretty girl I’m feelin you
The way you do the things you do
Remind me of my Lexus coup
Thats why im all up in yo grill
Tryina get you to a hotel
You must be a football coach
The way you got me playin the field
So baby gimme that toot toot
Lemme give you that beep beep
Runnin her hands through my ‘fro
Bouncin on 24’s
While they say on the radio…
It’s the remix to ignition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
Mama rollin that body
got every man in here wishin
Sippin on coke and rum
I’m like so what I’m drunk
It’s the freakin weekend baby
I’m about to have me some fun
Now it’s like murder she wrote
Once I get you out them clothes
Privacy is on the door
Still they can hear you screamin more
Girl I’m feelin what you feelin
No more hopin and wishin
I’m bout to take my key and
Stick it in the ignition
So baby gimme that toot toot
Lemme give you that beep beep
Runnin her hands through my ‘fro
Bouncin on 24’s
While they say on the radio…
This is the remix to ignition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
Mama rollin that body
Got every man in here wishin
Sippin on coke and rum
I’m like so what i’m drunk
It’s the freakin weekend baby
I’m about to have me some fun
Crystall poppin in the stretch Navigator
We got food every where
As if the party was catored
We got fellas to my left
Hunnies on my right
We bring em both together we got junkin all night
Then after the show its the (after party)
And after the party its the (hotel lobby)
And round about 4 you gotta (clear the lobby)
Then head take it to the room and freak somebody
Can I get a toot toot
Can I get a beep beep
Runnin her hands through my ‘fro
Bouncin on 24’s
While they say on the radio…
This is the remix to ignition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
Mama rollin that body
Got every man in here wishin
Sippin on coke and rum
I’m like so what I’m drunk
It’s the freakin weekend baby
I’m about to have me some fun
This is the remix to ignition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
Mama rollin that body
Got every man in here wishin
Sippin on coke and rum
I’m like so what I’m drunk
It’s the freakin weekend baby
I’m about to have me some fun
Girl we off in this jeep
Foggin windows up
Blastin the radio
In the back of my truck
Bouncin up and down
Stroke it round and round
To the remix
We just thuggin it out…
my body is aching
and my time is near.
i hold nothing close
that’s even remotely dear.
my eyes are closed
and my roads are long.
i have forgotten
how to be strong.
history’s on repeat tonight
and i won’t go down without a fight.
lessons are learned and roads are hard,
but i welcome this new start.
