Preferred content of circly stuff,
I don’t know if I’m enough.
I keep getting my head stuck
Inside in and without buck.
Safety’s not the word to say,
I have nothing, anyway.
I just wish I’d be a dream
And I wish you’d die within.
I don’t know which words are true,
„Baby, baby, I love you”.
This is all just a big lie,
Now stop sticking out my eye.
Floors are wet and floors are hard,
I am ashes. I am lard.
Sing me songs of desperation,
Sing of holy desecration.
Memories of what and where,
Dressed in blood and red despair.
Centerpiece of hate and love,
As below, so is above.
Arhive etichete: literatura
Letters
I keep writing letters to myself and publish them. I know what I want to say to me, but I keep telling it to you. It’s easier that way, because it’s almost a promise made to the world.
One day, I promised myself to learn how to love and how to be good and how to be a beautiful human. I promised I’d be everything that other people were not to me.
27 years have passed and I still don’t know how to love. I’m not good and I am not a beautiful human. I am still scared of people and secretly I wish I was dead, because it would be simpler.
I don’t hate you people, I just don’t care. I’m not sure how to love, but I’m hella good at not caring. It’s easy and clean and it lets me sleep at night. My mind does not bother with weird thoughts of unfitting.
I’m not bad, but I’m not good either. I try to act on impulses, I try to help as much as I can and I’m not the vengeful type, yet I’m not good. My existence does not touch people and I feel perfectly fine with that. In my book, this equals not being good, but I think I might be wrong.
I am not a beautiful human. There’s no denying that, because I don’t like my fellow people and I’m scared of them. I try not to be too visible, but I also try to not be the bug people think I am. I like solitary confinement with music and a blanket, I don’t like crowds, gossip and mean people, but I also don’t feel at home inside close knit groups of benefactors.
I just don’t belong here, and I’m afraid to find out where I do belong.
Who Am I?
Things are not what they used to be. This stereotypical phrasing starts running through my mind, once in a few months, because my inner clock has this perpetual movement of disappointment that needs to be addressed.
And when things are not what they used to be, I start looking for ways out, because there’s too much doubt and not enough peace, and I am in one piece… Still.
I need my drunken music, and my beautiful covers, and my never-ending pause… I need my lies and I need to close my eyes. I need to tell myself that stories are just stories, and souls are just souls, and this weakness in me is just another way to pass the time.
In the back of my head, on the back of my hand, things are laid out like on a beautiful, monstrous canvas… There are words and feelings and fingers that point at the ones to be blamed. My lipstick is red, my feelings are dead. I am numb, number, the numbest. Life is a list and this list is a… What?!
I have forgotten things… I love, I hate, I belittle. I want a human… To love, to hate, to belittle. Things are just moments, life’s just a dream. Who am I?
Zile strambe
De parca zilele s-ar scurge la fel, dar nu s-ar mai scurge… As vrea si n-as vrea sa fac ceva, si daca as face, ce folos as avea? Ca parca viata asta e altfel cand ceva iti iese la afacere, si parca e un pic mai frumos afara daca iesi pe plus din orice.
Dar zilele astea, la fel ca oricare altele, sunt niste zile strambe si fara succes, fara sa ma gandesc atat de des precum ar trebui si precum as putea, dar n-as putea, bai nene, sa-nteleg cumva despre ce e vorba in toata fraza asta lunga cat o zi de post. Si mai stii zilele alea lungi de post? Sunt arse, sunt fum, sunt tarana uscata si rosie, asa ca nu stiu cum sa te mai imbrobodesc, pe cruce sa te slujesc si, daca as vrea (dar nu vreau), as tine ochii deschisi sa te privesc pana cand soarele apune, pana cand pe lume nu mai sunt lucruri bune carora sa le spun pe nume.
E stramb si e innorat, asa ca cerul se aduna si se-adapa usor deasupra mea, fara sa gaseasca o cale mai curata, mai alba, mai uscata, mai normala, care sa poata rasfira pe ea insemnari insemnate de buzate curate. Nu avem si nici nu vrem sa avem tara si ostasi si linguri si seminte de orez, doar samanta de scandal salasluieste in potopul asta de trupuri vinovate si murdare si vinete si insangerate. Ca niste hiene, doar scandalul si semintele lui pervertite saruta trupuri jegoase, mucegaite, macinate si roase de boli inchipuite.
Dar zilele astea strambe nu sunt la fel, nici ieri si nici maine, cu atat mai putin azi. Zilele mele strambe se-aduna ca apa de izvor scuipata din sanii pamantului in cantecul vantului. Si azi am venit cu lopatica sa imi desfac marginile mormantului.
Nude
Nude as always comes the cat,
I have nothing in my hat.
Only words and powers not,
On the inside I am rot.
Heavy on the sky with blows,
Hell is something no one knows.
Parted as a one way road,
I am nothing but a toad.
Limelight
Limelight of words
And witches of worth
Sharing one sword
‘Til the end of the world.
Tears of the rain
Are sharing one pain
And if nothing I gain,
Why do I complain?
The mornings of after
Are nothing but softer
Than words and the muster
Of one killer mother.
Anhedonia
Rivers go through me, as if tomorrow is brought with one single green wave. For me, this green has no color, maybe it’s white, or maybe it’s black, I don’t really care. My senses are numb, my desire is weak. Everything that I knew is not and everything I’ll never know will still be here long after I’m gone.
I hear you see the sunset. You like to take it in and smell it on your lips. I have no recollection of these things, and life is bitter as is cold and time has no meaning here.
