Te legi amarnic de batice vechi,
Nu stii ca ai ochi si urechi,
Tii intre degete o arma-albastra
Care miroase-a supararea noastra.
Uitat in palme, micul tau patrat
Sta ca vitelul bland la adapat,
Iti da si stiri, si pisicute,
Si tu il tii cu drag intre labute.
Viata ta toata se-nvarte-n el,
Mailuri, mesaje, fel de fel,
Si daca nu l-ai mai avea, tu ai afla
Cum mai arata lumea ta.

Letter to My Unborn Mother

Hello you, I thought I’d stop by,
See how you’re doing.
I just hope you’re fine.
I’m doing well, thanks, and sometimes I miss you,
But most days I go on without thiniking of you.
I hope you’re warm,
Mostly I hope you’re safe.
I hope I’m not a disappointment,
Though you never said you’re proud of me.
I tried my best not to become you,
Not to repeat your past mistakes,
I really hope I managed to do that,
Because most days I feel like a failure.
I’m not in your world, because I shunned it away,
I’m not part of this world either,
Because I lack the basic knowledge on how to be a proper being.
I’m irrational, scared and alone so many times,
I’ve lied to people about you,
About me.
I tried to be the best, and I failed so many times,
I never got the chance to be friendly with people,
And I’m so angry, so often and so wild.
Hi, Mom, I wish I could’ve been better.
I wish you could’ve been better.
For me, for you, for all the gods.
Now let me sleep outside the fogs


smartphone-walkTe legi amarnic de batice vechi,
Nu stii ca ai ochi si urechi,
Tii intre degete o arma-albastra
Care miroase-a supararea noastra.

Uitat in palme, micul tau patrat
Sta ca vitelul bland la adapat,
Iti da si stiri, si pisicute,
Si tu il tii cu drag intre labute.

Viata ta toata se-nvarte-n el,
Mailuri, mesaje, fel de fel,
Si daca nu l-ai mai avea, tu ai afla
Cum mai arata lumea ta.

Inspiratie de la poza lui Petreanu. Pic.

Review: IAMX – Metanoia Tour 2016

Last time I saw IAMX live, I was complaining about the static audience, but nothing had prepared me for March 14th. Nothing!

IAMX has released two more albums since our last encounter, one of which is practically amazing, and the other one is Metanoia. I thought about reviewing it a few times, but somehow it felt redundant for me to do it.

iamxMetanoia is a weird, weird album. It is said to be rooted deep into Chris’ depression, and it certainly sounds like it. However, early fans will love it, because it sounds so much like The Alternative and Kiss + Swallow, without the lyrical depth that made me scream „Chris, you decadent god!„. Newer fans might be a little confused, though… Metanoia is so rough, so blunt, painful at times and confusing. The album is missing the poetry that makes Chris what he is.

This is the first time I had to wait (not counting the pouring rain at the Killers & White Lies concert) so much to see one of my favorite bands. IAMX got a little lost on the Transylvanian roads, but the wait was totally worth it. Even though the band started playing 3 hours after the intended timeline.

As usual, Chris was so visual. The background played on loop disturbing images of love and loss, of hate and despair, of desert, naked bodies and broken hopes. How else would you know you’re at an IAMX concert?!

He started violently with I Come With Knives, one of the best songs he ever wrote. His keyboard players were demanding all of the attention, yet his voice managed to rule us all.

I never really liked The Alternative – not the song, and not the album, but this time it felt different. This time, Chris had a beautiful crowd all to himself, all of whom paid to see and hear him, and all of us were his devoted fans. In this light, the song made so much sense than it did a few years ago.

Happiness was the first song off Metanoia, and one of the few I really like. Depressing, raw and broken, Chris sang of despair and what more could I ask for? I was truly happy then.

No Maker Made Me is my personal anthem off Metanoia. I truly love the song, the message, the sound of it. I like its bluntness and the raw feeling I get when I listen to it, especially the screaming part of „you fucking sinner”…

In the Tear Garden we meet again. A song with so much meaning, so special and sad, it could only be followed by OCDEM.

Oh Cruel Darkness Embrace Me feels very ambivalent to me now. I sorta have a love-hate relationship with it, though the song is great. Sometimes it feels like irony, sometimes it plays out like demand-able hope. Who says it’s not the both of them?

Last time when I saw IAMX, Spit It Out ended the concert. It’s still my favorite song, my sad song, my beautiful song, and I really thought that’s the best I can get out of it. Yet, somehow, Chris outdone himself. Spit It Out grew up and this metamorphosis was incredible on so many levels. The song sounded like Chris was covering an oldie, so different, so mellow, still angst-y and depressing. I wish I could listen to this version and dissect it all day long, because it’s so different, yet so familiar.

Nightlife is one of Chris’s most used songs in movies and TV shows. You can hear it in How To Get Away With Murder (I think), in vampire movies and so on. This track reminds me of 90s ravers, even though I was never part of that scene. It has urgency, it’s raw, it’s primal and wild, and one of the best songs written by Chris. Even though it’s not universal, I really appreciated the inclusion on this set-list.

The holy trio of Metanoia was up next. Insomnia, North Star and Aphrodisiac followed up what was, I think, one of the best concerts I’ve been to. Insomnia is so demanding, so lost, but there comes North Star, determined and mature. Only Aphrodisiac can be played next, because it’s the only song suited for this color scheme. All three songs have different shades of grey, but Aphrodisiac is so evil, plotting weird stuff under tones of make up and promoting promiscuity in a way that allows you to go through the gates of heaven.

And because Chris is the master of emotional roller-coasting (is that even a word?!), he ends this with the amazing Your Joy Is My Low. This is one of the first songs I listened from IAMX, so I hold it dear and close. Keyboards all over the place, jerky rhythm, a bassline to die for and the amazing poetry that made me fell in love. With such lyrics, who can judge me?

You shift the play, push the curve to sit between your thighs
It’s a sign, it’s time to exercise the lines
You want the double cut through to wet, invade and slide
You slide and I’m awake and I’m the slave tonight

You lie, you lie to spare my life
You needed it, he tasted you inside out

Say it, your joy, your joy is my low
So you want yourself to stop
Say it, your joy, your joy is my low
And when you crack the whip, I crawl again

How can you remain complete after hearing this live? After witnessing Chris’s debauchery with such unaffectedness that makes me run after his bus tour and beg him to take me with them?

Of course, this could only be followed by Kiss + Swallow. Electronica through the roof! The bass rules this piece, and the way Chris says „zero” is so sinful and lovely…

It’s only natural I should admit by now the fact that listening to I Am Terrified live scared me. Not because of the lyrics, but because of the mismatch. It felt weird to hear it after the Kraftwerk-like gem that is Kiss + Swallow, however it wasn’t that bad. Just awkward. And sad. Terribly sad.

If the first encore came with Kiss + Swallow, the second one saw me amazed by the fact that Bring Me Back a Dog is still a thing. It’s one of my favorite songs, and this time Chris had a whole army spitting these beautiful lyrics back at him with voracity and passion. It was amazing!

The night ended with Mercy, one of the songs I avoid at all costs. Well, I avoid it after the first 60-70 seconds. It’s beautifully written, of course, and the vocals are perfect for it. But the chorus makes my heart ache, I almost feel like crying, so I try to keep myself sane by avoiding it.

I thought that this concert will bring me nothing new. Boy, was I wrong! Last time, I complained that Chris needed a better audience, but this time everyone present was there to support and love him. We were all one soul, mixed together with agony, anticipation, love, distrust, disappointment, hope and Chris. I’m so glad I was there, this was the concert I’ve been waiting for two years now.

Pic. The whole setlist here.


Stii cumva cate cuvinte ai luat inapoi, pe tacute, neinteles de linistea din jurul, obosit de furia din tine?

Nici eu nu stiu, si e ca si cum as da drumul unui robinet de amintiri tarzii. Sunt momentele alea in care iti doresti alte drumuri, sa fii singur sau alaturi de altcineva, momentele alea in care ce traiesti acum e infricosator, enervant, momentele alea in care nu rezisti sa nu spui cuvinte care dor.

N-am stiut niciodata cum sa fiu aproape de cineva si sa nu fiu exploziva. De obicei, cand ma cunosti, ai senzatia ca sunt cea mai aroganta fiinta de pe planeta. Bineinteles, nu ma absolv de vina, doar ca la cateva secunde dupa aceea realizezi ca sunt timida si sfioasa, si ca mi-e tot timpul grija ca poate ranesc pe cineva, sau deranjez, sau inoportunez.

introvert-drawingNu prea stiu eu cum sa ma comport in public, si oricum sunt introvertita, asa ca ce rost are sa mai invat la varsta asta?

Si timpul trece, si eu devin relaxata langa tine, si incepi sa vezi ca fac urat la nervi. Adica ma enervezi si te las in drum, sau imi stric ceasul, ca sa nu-ti stric mutra aia enervanta. Arunc cu telefonul pe scari, sau rup toate frunzele dintr-un copac.

Nu stiu sa fiu egala, si oricum mi-e tot timpul grija ca nu sunt mai sus ca tine. E un defect – cand ai fost jos toata viata ta, o sa vrei mereu sa fii mai sus ca ceilalti. Sa ai jobul cel mai misto, iubitul cel mai bun, pantofii cei mai multi. Si e o intreaga competitie intre mine, cea care sunt, si eu, cea care as vrea sa fiu. Si obosesc, pentru ca nu reusesc sa bifez toate lucrurile pe care le-as vrea.

Si cel mai tare ma enervez pe mine, si nu stiu daca ma enervez pentru ca vreau prea multe sau prea putine, sau pentru ca nu am rabdare, sau pentru ca nu sunt organizata.

Oh, doamne, sunt atat de plina de minusuri, si cand ma gandesc ca doar ele ma ajuta sa devin mai buna!…


Nice and True

The time is blind,
and maybe dead,
but all that counts
is how to hide
inside my head.
Nothing to love,
nothing to cherish,
nothing but stabbed eyes,
wads of cash,
I’ll feed you scars and ashes,
tell me – is it all about the gashes
of truth and dare.
There’s nothing behind me but blank stares.
I’d love to watch you dance,
undress your sins,
unclench your fists,
I’d feed you drugs and fame,
you’d do me on your knees
wouldn’t that be lame?
I’d use you
and abuse me,
I’d feed you nothings
and pieces of everything.
All of the hate,
all of the dirt,
the jizz and the squirt,
the spit and the shit.
And you’ll fall for me,
and I’d fall for you,
wouldn’t that be nice and true?

Firey Winter

This winter seems so far away,
Yet it brings its shovels and false teeth,
Lurking in shadows of false prejudice,
It seems this shady winter’s here to stay.
It brought our leaders down and tossed them out,
It burned our souls and hopes and dreams together,
And I can’t think about the weather
With all these tears and screams and all the doubt.
It killed my friends, it dug the graves of something greater,
It made my skin crawl, and that’s gonna last forever.
It didn’t kill our spirits though, it fed our monster.
And right now „GG!” is all I can muster.