Maybe it’s not fair to judge the others, as I have found out
that I myself I’m a questionable human being at best. I’ve always displayed a
bit of preachiness within me, but now more than ever I seem to get annoyed at
everything and everyone. I am annoyed at my friends who share serious information
on the coronavirus, and annoyed at my friends who don’t take it seriously. I
feel like I am two people in one and choosing only what’s convenient for me to
display somewhat of a semblance of perceived normality.
I don’t know why I do all these things. I am okay with my
groups of friends, and I am okay being by myself, so in no way I’m trying to
drive them away. It’s just that I’m struggling to find my place within me. I’m
also trying to nurture those relationships I have, as I do think they’re
important and I want them in my life.
I’m maybe a bit unbalanced, but somehow, I don’t feel like it? I mean, it does feel sometimes that I’m on the outside looking in, and I’m viewing myself through someone else’s eyes. Is this the new reality? Am I going crazy?
PS: Adding this to support my internal healing, and maybe yours too.
PPS: yes, it’s the coronavirus issue, it’s affecting me and my relationships more than I thought.
It’s difficult not to feel displaced in an apocalypse. Somehow,
for some of us, things are the same, but for the rest of us, things have
shifted immensely. The worst thing is that I don’t know which group I should adhere
to, and somehow this brings a grave calm to my falling in love with me.
It’s not a restart, not a continuity. For me it feels like a
pause from all the urgency of life. I’ve put the world on hold, and I’m
rummaging through old memory boxes, and reliving things I didn’t have time to
enjoy or grief at that moment, and I’m taking my time to think of them, feel
them, heal them.
At last, the world isn’t loud anymore. At last, things are not life or death anymore. At last, I’m here.
faith requires so little of you, and gives so much of it instead, it’s just a door that remains open always, and you can choose to follow that, or you can choose to stay. but fear not, my friend, you’ll always be welcome.
And there are thoughts I nurture and protect,
Deep down inside, where everything is wrecked,
The lights I hold on, the fears I try to let go,
The more I live, the less I know.
But still I try my best at guarding
Everything you keep discarding,
And then I care for every little thing in me,
But it’s like locking me up and throwing out the key.
I don’t blame you, yet I don’t blame me.
We’re limited in different ways, you see.
When you go high and I go low,
No one is friend, no one is foe.
life’s just a point
and by this point
you should’ve had
and who’s in your bed,
the way you like your toast,
and your ticket to heaven.
but fear not, my friend,
as life’s not always black and white,
and you’re allowed to run,
and laugh just for a while.
you’re still allowed to find yourself,
outside of who you’re sleeping with,
and you’re allowed to skip the line
of having kids and grandkids and whatnot.
you’re still allowed to find yourself
at forty, even fifty,
and you’re allowed to be yourself,
even when you’re numpty.
life’s just a circle,
and you’re the point,
and at this point,
just be yourself.
no one else will.