How to kill a boy on the first date?
She asked.
As if the answer sat in me,
Waiting to be given to her,
Willingly.
Well, I cannot really,
It’s nothing you can do.
Just wait your turn,
Sit patiently…
That’s what everyone says!
A first date is a first date
And I have no need for a second one!
Well, then, my dear,
Don’t pay attention to what he says or does.
Don’t pay the bill.
Talk louder, laugh horribly.
Under no circumstances
Don’t understand his jokes.
Be as annoying as you think you can be,
And also go a little over board with the alcohol.
Make him want to slap you at dinner.
If he doesn’t, he’s a pussy,
If he does, he’s a worthless piece of shit.
Throw a drink or two
(They have to be Martinis)
In his face
And accuse him of looking at other girls.
Say mean things about his mother
And laugh at his tiny hands.
Ask him about his alopecia
And various STDs,
And suggest his sister is a whore.
If, at the end of the night, he still wants to live,
Hand him a knife.
In his kidneys.
For life.