Alive

I keep inside definitions of what I should be. I should be good. Better. Stronger. More assertive. Resilient. Stubborn until I reach perfection. And above else, I should be feeling.

But that’s the problem, with the feeling. I try to pry open my heart, my mind, my body and my soul, to make room for something more. I project these aspirations onto other people, people I know how wrong are for me, and yet, I chose to think that no, maybe it’s my fault.

But in the end, it is not. I am not at fault for chosing the wrong people and failing. However, I am fault when I force myself to feel. This is beyond allowing yourself to be happy, it is forcing yourself. Some days I realize just that, but on other days it feels like I’m picking at old scabs, and I can feel the warm blood pouring out of me, and I’m stuck in the spiral of shame, guilt, frustration, stubborness, and self hate.

I’m not sure how I should manage all of this, but choosing intentionally the wrong persons, knowing that they will never, ever respond or understand you, it’s a slow death sentence of the soul. And my soul has been through enough death, thank you very much. I’d really like to see how it’s like to be alive.

gelozie

drumuri departe, drumuri aproape,
dar n-am cuvinte sa-ti spun ce ma desparte
de degete de copil, priviri de barbat,
comportament de femeie si foame de bestie.
si toate-s in tine, sparte de mine,
reflectate de tacerile pe care le las sa tina prea mult,
nascute din durerile pe care le-am adunat demult…
stii ca-ntre noi doi te-aleg tot pe tine.

i am the settler

settleri’m in the settling business,
because my life is never my own,
never myself,
and i will never grow,
but all the colors i’ve shown
believe me, they’re real,
and they help me heal,
be it with scars and faded lucks,
be it with love or jaded fucks.
i’m in the settling business,
because my life is never my own.
this clock is ticking,
my blood keeps dripping,
and all of the times i spent away
brought me here, this day,
to tell you that i don’t own me.
my life was never mine,
i’ve given it to people who never had the time
to make themselves better.
i am the settler.

pic.

heartbeat

te-am cautat. nu te-am gasit,
dar tot ce nu am simtit
se rascoleste de la sine-n
mine
si cauta tot felul de poteci ascunse,
iar eu n-am decat feliile de paine unse
cu unt, untura, margarina,
si inima mea-i doar terina.
ascund si fierb in ea
imaginatiuni traite,
dar mereu de altii,
ascund si fierb in ea
ganduri nedeslusite,
traite doar de altii,
iar eu am in mine viteze nebanuite,
ganduri neobosite,
creiere pe repeat si sentimente mii.
sunt toata ghem – senzatii, nebunii…

I’m trying to put it all back together.
I’ve got a story and I’m trying to tell it right.
I got the kerosene and a desire.
I’m trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

Review: Marilyn Manson – The Pale Emperor

It’s been years since Marilyn Manson released something, so you can understand my excitement when I heard Killing Strangers during John Wick. A promise was made – that a new album will come soon enough, and I was eager to listen to it!

Killing Strangers is the opening track – it’s slick, and screams „Manson” with every note. It’s sickening, it’s angry, it’s disappointed – it’s everything you and me are, so why the fuck not!? (10/10)

Deep Six was promoted as a lead single, with a very simple, yet disturbing video. I must admit I adore the bass line at the beginning of the song, the drumming and how it all blends in perfectly with Manson’s screaming. It’s pure joy for my ears, even though at first the song seemed a bit predictable. (10/10)

Third Day of a Seven Day Binge was released as a first promo single, and it was a very smart move. The bass mixes the guitar in a rather savage way, and in theory nothing would seem to make sense, but it does – it does make sense in such a weird way, I can’t stop listening to it! (10/10)

The Mephistopheles of Los Angeles – that’s quite a mouthful! I’m still undecided – the guitars are amazing, the rhythm is not quite there, the lyrics don’t seem to make sense, but the whole package screams „suitability and fear and hope”. What?! (7/10)

Warship My Wreck kinda sounds like a modern Coma White, with a little more comformity and a little less genius. It’s not bad, but it’s not wow either. (6.5/10)

Slave Only Dreams to be King is the kind of title that makes me proud of being a Marilyn Manson fan. Even though the platitude is noticeable and kind of expected from him, at this point in his life, the song is not bad. It reminds me a bit of (s)AINT, minus the angst. (7/10)

The Devil Beneath My Feet seems like a forgettable piece, since I had to look up to see the name. The album seems a bit repetitive at this point, and all the songs get mixed up in my brain. This particular track also has the quality of reminding me of The Red Carpet Grave combined with Children of Cain, so it’s understandable why I’m confused. (6/10)

Birds of Hell Awaiting starts off great, with a bit of Aggaloch-like vocals, and it seems to be the kind of vehicle that propelled Manson to stardom. Too bad he’s like 20 years late… (7/10)

Cupid Carries a Gun sounds like Manson had to fill in a quota, and this straw came short, and Mercury was in retrograde, and a bunch of other bad stuff happened, and so… This song was all that they could come up with. Except that it sounds like Manson circa 20 years ago, so yay?! (7/10)

Odds of Even. I can’t even. Is this The Speed of Pain, remastered?! (5/10)

Overall, The Pale Emperor is at least bearable. Marilyn Manson goes out of his way to please old fans that don’t want any spark of creativity for their idol, and he manages to squeeze out a beautiful combo of Born Villain and The Unholy Trinity (Antichrist Superstar, Mechanical Animals and Holy Wood), recycling old concepts that once appealed to the masses, and are now obsolete.

To be completely honest, after The Golden Age of Grotesque, Manson looked like he was on his way to reinvention, and for about 10 years that reinvention seemed great. Too bad peer pressure, or whatever that is, chased away that new spirit – I hope all those oldies reminiscing their 1996 Manson are happy. I am only meh.

Review: Angels & Airwaves – The Dream Walker

TheDreamWalkerI can’t believe that, until now, I haven’t got the chance to review the newest Angels and Airwaves album, The Dream Walker. Their latest effort since 2011’s Love Part II is, maybe, their best so far. I’m not quite sure if this affirmation will stand in a few years or even a few months, but until now I’ve come to terms with it.

This 5th album came with a lineup change, especially with Mr. Ilan Rubin taking over drums and keyboards. Rubin, formerly of Lostprophets and Nine Inch Nails, brought a heavier sound, that gives depth to DeLonge’s aerial vocals in such a manner, it only makes you wonder why the f*ck they waited so long for this collaboration to start.

The new lineup gives a little more organic darkness to the sound, and lyrically speaking, DeLonge’s has kept the same balance as before, albeit a little simpler and poppier. The Dream Walker marks a little more experimentation for the Blink 182 frontman, coupled with electronic sounds bound to keep you playing the album on repeat. I think the best quality of the album is its fresh feeling once you forget about it and you stumble upon it by accident.

Teenagers & Rituals opens up The Dream Walker, leaving you no chance but to speed up with the sound that takes you faster and faster. It’s the kind of song that won’t take no for an answer, it’s raw and young and stupid, just like we were, and while the lyrics aren’t the greatest thing cooked up by Tom, they fit perfectly with the youthful sound of the song. (8.5/10)

Paralyzed was one of the singles that preceded the album, and through the bass line, you get carried away in a split second. This song has such a sense of urgency; it’s quite unbelievable I hated it when I first listened to it. Paralyzed is one of those rare songs that grow on you, even if you hate it at first. It’s demanding, and it has determination, anger and angst – a perfect anthem for Mr. DeLonge. (9/10)

The Wolfpack stands out from all the Angels & Airwaves songs I have ever listened. It has such a buildup, it’s electrifying, to say the least. It’s a perfect song to be played out in the open, and I can’t wait to see the band live, just because of this one song. It can’t hurt that the video is one of the most pop attempts I have ever witnessed from DeLonge, and the lyrics will appeal to both teenagers and adults. (10/10)

Tunnels comes to argue with everything that The Wolfpack was. As far as I know it, the song was inspired by the death of Tom’s father, and maybe because of that I have the feeling that this track is the most personal thing he created with AVA. Tunnels is filled with emotion, sad reality and hope at the same time, and the overall composition – musically and lyrically speaking, seems so mature for Tom. I have to applaud this effort. (10/10)

Have you ever missed Depeche Mode in their glory days? Look no further, then! The same gravity Martin got us used to is employed in Kiss With a Spell. Until I listened to this song, I could’ve sworn my all time favorite track off the album was The Wolfpack, but Kiss With a Spell has such depth and the electronic touch can’t hurt the meaning of the song, so I’ll have it forever on my playlist. (11/10)

Mercenaries is one wicked track. I can’t remember its name, nor I can distinguish its beginning, but around the first and a half minute I start recognizing what I like about it. It’s a weird composition, I never know if I fully love it, or if I hate it with all my power, but one thing I know for sure – I wouldn’t recommend missing it. (8/10)

Bullets in the Wind will come off as a surprise, especially for Interpol or The Editors fans. Ilan Rubin goes wild with the drums, engaging in a wicked rhythm filled with awesomeness – but of course! This song is one of their best and the proof (if you really needed that) that this combo works on many levels. (10/10)

The Disease seems a bit uneven, or maybe uneventful, even though it plays on the dark side of the album, with a little more emphasis on the analysis, and a little more focus on the choice of words. However, even if it’s a great song technically speaking, it doesn’t have the spark. (8/10)

Tremors has the same anthem-y sound I was expecting from the band, and for me it screams “hope and happiness are at your feet”, how can I not love it?! (10/10)

Anomaly, just like its title, is an anomaly. For me, it kinda sounds like Boxing Day, from Blink 182’s 2012 EP, Dogs Eating Dogs. It’s a mellow track, with sad accents, almost emo-ish, but at the same time you can sense a bit of hope at the end of the song. (8/10)

Overall, the album is better than I expected. Thematically, it shows that the band has grown (if you really doubted that until now), musically, DeLonge has allowed himself to explore a little more and it has taken Angels & Airwaves outside their comfort zone, and God! How good they sound outside it!

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Review: 2CELLOS – On The Road

2cellosA long, long time ago, I was a Gleek, and this is how I stumbled upon 2CELLOS. At that particular moment I thought “man, these guys are awesome” and me, being the lifelong fan of everything about that bass (no treble!), was instantly hooked. This happened somewhere in January 2012, when Glee had that Michael Jackson special episode, and until now I almost gave up hope of seeing them soon.

Except only the fate had something else in stores for me, and that something else was a 2CELLOS concert in December 2014, after almost 3 years of constant listening and 2 albums released under the moniker.

Last night’s concert was rushed, and intense, young, and free, and old at the same time. Everything was filled with soul, and peace, and sadness, and completeness, and my heart was once again filled with music. And since I love music, beyond words and definitions and concepts, I’ll let the beautiful duo speak for itself.

As usual, Luka and Stjepan started with Benedictus. Maybe for some of you this might seem like an odd choice, but this song does the greatest thing ever: it builds up on emotion and raw cello, chasing away introspection while inviting curiosity in. This song will forever be one of my favorites.

I was never a big U2 fan, nor was I a Sting fan, but the covers for Where the Streets Have No Name and Shape of My Heart, respectively, are so hauntingly beautiful on their own, they deserve to be at least mentioned. Where the Streets Have No Name brings on an intense peace, while Shape of My Heart seems even darker and sadder than I used to know.

The Resistance is a great song on its own, but given the cello combination, it receives a little more depth and introspection and power, all the while keeping the same alert rhythm that Muse introduced us to.

I must admit I am not one of the biggest fan of The Magnetic Fields (I only started listening to them a few years ago), but The Book of Love has been long covered by other artists and it’s a well known piece. However, these boys manage to shape it into beautiful poetry, savage and free, and it’s such a pity that we missed this… And it’s such a pity we got to listen to Viva la Vida instead, which is a great song on its own, but I prefer The Book of Love better. Also, Californication was heard, but I was never a fan of this particular piece, and it fell kinda short next to the other songs.

Another U2 cover, this time With or Without You, the one that always screams “WE WERE ON A BREAK”, the one that always spells true love and the most beautiful U2 song I have ever heard.

The Michael Jackson duo – Human Nature & Smooth Criminal raised us all from our seats, and thank god for Welcome to the Jungle, Thunderstruck, Voodoo People, Smells Like Teen Spirit, You Shook Me All Night Long, Highway to Hell and (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction kept us all standing, dancing and clapping, because these guys know what they’re supposed to do, and they do it so god damn well.

For the encore, Luka and Stjepan got back on stage to unleash the monsters within us, with Back in Black (well, who’s a little AC/DC fan, huh?!) and finish with Fields of Gold, one of the best songs Sting has ever created.

A few comments on the side: I wish I’d see them recreating some Marilyn Manson (circa Mr. Tom Skold) or some good old fashioned KMFDM. Peter Gabriel, at the end of the concert, especially Don’t Give Up? Not bad at all. Somebody yelled several times Mombasa, but no one cared. Stjepan is the joker of them two, but Luka is the hard working guy I always imagined he was.

My final conclusion? Money well spent. But I still feel that something’s amiss – this year I haven’t seen yet the concert to end all concerts, except for Mr. Peter Gabriel. He’s always amazing.

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