threads

there are invisible threads from me to you,
connecting atoms, feelings, breaths of air.
there are invisible needs, or maybe wants from me to you,
and i don’t know how or when or if they’ll find their way back,
but it’s ok, because behind of all that threading, needing, and wanting
there is invisible scarring
just waiting to heal.

în ultimele zile

în ultimele zile, doar la sfârşit de lume mă mai pot gândi.
şi nu am linişte,
nu am nimic,
n-am zvâc, trăire, pace sau cuvinte,
şi toţi mă-ntreabă de nimic.
în ultimele zile le-adun pe toate, şi tot îmi ies cu minus.
dar oare câte minciuni de bine am tot spus,
la ceas de seară, la apus,
tăcut, grăbit, cu zarvă-n buze?
mai e ceva pe lume să m-amuze?
în ultimele zile, ultimele ore, ultimele minute şi secunde
mă dumiresc de faptul că trăim degeaba,
cuvintele tot trec pe lângă noi,
şi uite,-mi bate-n uşă ceasul de apoi…
în ultimele zile-ar trebui să şi răspund
la uşi şi întrebări şi strigăte de noapte.
dar nu mai am putere şi m-ascund,
de bine, rău, de fapte toate.

Alive

I keep inside definitions of what I should be. I should be good. Better. Stronger. More assertive. Resilient. Stubborn until I reach perfection. And above else, I should be feeling.

But that’s the problem, with the feeling. I try to pry open my heart, my mind, my body and my soul, to make room for something more. I project these aspirations onto other people, people I know how wrong are for me, and yet, I chose to think that no, maybe it’s my fault.

But in the end, it is not. I am not at fault for chosing the wrong people and failing. However, I am fault when I force myself to feel. This is beyond allowing yourself to be happy, it is forcing yourself. Some days I realize just that, but on other days it feels like I’m picking at old scabs, and I can feel the warm blood pouring out of me, and I’m stuck in the spiral of shame, guilt, frustration, stubborness, and self hate.

I’m not sure how I should manage all of this, but choosing intentionally the wrong persons, knowing that they will never, ever respond or understand you, it’s a slow death sentence of the soul. And my soul has been through enough death, thank you very much. I’d really like to see how it’s like to be alive.

gelozie

drumuri departe, drumuri aproape,
dar n-am cuvinte sa-ti spun ce ma desparte
de degete de copil, priviri de barbat,
comportament de femeie si foame de bestie.
si toate-s in tine, sparte de mine,
reflectate de tacerile pe care le las sa tina prea mult,
nascute din durerile pe care le-am adunat demult…
stii ca-ntre noi doi te-aleg tot pe tine.

i am the settler

settleri’m in the settling business,
because my life is never my own,
never myself,
and i will never grow,
but all the colors i’ve shown
believe me, they’re real,
and they help me heal,
be it with scars and faded lucks,
be it with love or jaded fucks.
i’m in the settling business,
because my life is never my own.
this clock is ticking,
my blood keeps dripping,
and all of the times i spent away
brought me here, this day,
to tell you that i don’t own me.
my life was never mine,
i’ve given it to people who never had the time
to make themselves better.
i am the settler.

pic.

heartbeat

te-am cautat. nu te-am gasit,
dar tot ce nu am simtit
se rascoleste de la sine-n
mine
si cauta tot felul de poteci ascunse,
iar eu n-am decat feliile de paine unse
cu unt, untura, margarina,
si inima mea-i doar terina.
ascund si fierb in ea
imaginatiuni traite,
dar mereu de altii,
ascund si fierb in ea
ganduri nedeslusite,
traite doar de altii,
iar eu am in mine viteze nebanuite,
ganduri neobosite,
creiere pe repeat si sentimente mii.
sunt toata ghem – senzatii, nebunii…

I’m trying to put it all back together.
I’ve got a story and I’m trying to tell it right.
I got the kerosene and a desire.
I’m trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

Review: Marilyn Manson – The Pale Emperor

It’s been years since Marilyn Manson released something, so you can understand my excitement when I heard Killing Strangers during John Wick. A promise was made – that a new album will come soon enough, and I was eager to listen to it!

Killing Strangers is the opening track – it’s slick, and screams „Manson” with every note. It’s sickening, it’s angry, it’s disappointed – it’s everything you and me are, so why the fuck not!? (10/10)

Deep Six was promoted as a lead single, with a very simple, yet disturbing video. I must admit I adore the bass line at the beginning of the song, the drumming and how it all blends in perfectly with Manson’s screaming. It’s pure joy for my ears, even though at first the song seemed a bit predictable. (10/10)

Third Day of a Seven Day Binge was released as a first promo single, and it was a very smart move. The bass mixes the guitar in a rather savage way, and in theory nothing would seem to make sense, but it does – it does make sense in such a weird way, I can’t stop listening to it! (10/10)

The Mephistopheles of Los Angeles – that’s quite a mouthful! I’m still undecided – the guitars are amazing, the rhythm is not quite there, the lyrics don’t seem to make sense, but the whole package screams „suitability and fear and hope”. What?! (7/10)

Warship My Wreck kinda sounds like a modern Coma White, with a little more comformity and a little less genius. It’s not bad, but it’s not wow either. (6.5/10)

Slave Only Dreams to be King is the kind of title that makes me proud of being a Marilyn Manson fan. Even though the platitude is noticeable and kind of expected from him, at this point in his life, the song is not bad. It reminds me a bit of (s)AINT, minus the angst. (7/10)

The Devil Beneath My Feet seems like a forgettable piece, since I had to look up to see the name. The album seems a bit repetitive at this point, and all the songs get mixed up in my brain. This particular track also has the quality of reminding me of The Red Carpet Grave combined with Children of Cain, so it’s understandable why I’m confused. (6/10)

Birds of Hell Awaiting starts off great, with a bit of Aggaloch-like vocals, and it seems to be the kind of vehicle that propelled Manson to stardom. Too bad he’s like 20 years late… (7/10)

Cupid Carries a Gun sounds like Manson had to fill in a quota, and this straw came short, and Mercury was in retrograde, and a bunch of other bad stuff happened, and so… This song was all that they could come up with. Except that it sounds like Manson circa 20 years ago, so yay?! (7/10)

Odds of Even. I can’t even. Is this The Speed of Pain, remastered?! (5/10)

Overall, The Pale Emperor is at least bearable. Marilyn Manson goes out of his way to please old fans that don’t want any spark of creativity for their idol, and he manages to squeeze out a beautiful combo of Born Villain and The Unholy Trinity (Antichrist Superstar, Mechanical Animals and Holy Wood), recycling old concepts that once appealed to the masses, and are now obsolete.

To be completely honest, after The Golden Age of Grotesque, Manson looked like he was on his way to reinvention, and for about 10 years that reinvention seemed great. Too bad peer pressure, or whatever that is, chased away that new spirit – I hope all those oldies reminiscing their 1996 Manson are happy. I am only meh.