hey numpty!

life’s just a point
and by this point
you should’ve had
everything covered.
your head,
your toes,
and who’s in your bed,
the way you like your toast,
and your ticket to heaven.
but fear not, my friend,
as life’s not always black and white,
and you’re allowed to run,
and smile,
and laugh just for a while.
you’re still allowed to find yourself,
outside of who you’re sleeping with,
and you’re allowed to skip the line
of having kids and grandkids and whatnot.
you’re still allowed to find yourself
at forty, even fifty,
and you’re allowed to be yourself,
even when you’re numpty.
life’s just a circle,
and you’re the point,
and at this point,
just be yourself.
no one else will.

you

been numb for so many years,
i can’t seem to forget you,
i can’t seem to move past you,
the good,
the oh-so-bad,
the ugly,
but the lovely,
the highs,
but the so lows,
we’re grown together, without having each
other,
we’ve been together, while being apart,
we want each other, without being together,
we’re looking for each other in other humans as well…
it seems like a stretch, a tiresome goal, a neverending story.
i just want to end up with you.

Gone

And give me power,
Give me strength,
Give me memories I can forget
When I am old and brittle and alone.
Don’t let me be the last one gone.
Give me noise,
And give me pleasure,
Hit me hard with words of wisdom,
Bring me the joys of leisure.
Just don’t let me be the last one gone.
Give me your time,
And give me your hand,
Hold on to me like you are mine,
Promise you’ll be here where I stand.
Don’t let me be the last one gone.
Give me your dreams,
And give me your hopes.
Sow me back at my open seams,
Draw me back inside my frames.
But please don’t let me be the last one gone.
And if you do, I’ll follow you.
There’s nothing you can do.

Birthday

It’s so difficult to be hopeful, like it’s expected of you, and yet so hard to achieve. You’re so compelled to keep on going, even if you don’t see a reason to, just because others expect that from you.

I go in circles from „there is no love” to „there’s someone out there for me” and back to „this whole world is hopeless”, and all of them are true and untrue at the same time.

I feel like I should be grateful for the opportunities I have to learn people and the opportunities I have for me to grow, but also this is so exhausting after a while. It feels like nothing makes sense or that maybe I’m looking for the wrong explanations for things.

Life should be more than black and white, and it’s not just grey. Life is cruel, and get forgiving. I am stupid and still learning, I am so strong and delicate.

It’s OK to lose people and to lose yourself, and it’s OK to gain them back, while you cut a new life for yourself. Life is not a straight road, it is convoluted and constantly changing.

And for the first time in such a long time I’m just happy with myself. What more could I want?

all kinds of love

and i have yet to find the words,
while fumbling through the marks you’ve left behind,
and try to step on the imprints that you’ve left behind,
and try to clean the mess you’ve left behind.
but somehow i have the will to live in me still,
and i wake up morning after morning,
sit for 5 hours straight, and then get up and get on.
the world’s a hole,
but i’m still whole.
i’ve got all the kinds of love you’ll ever need,
even now, after you’ve gone away.
and i’ll give them to me, so they don’t get wasted.

close

we used to grow together,
and dream together,
and eat together,
but now the world’s too big for this,
and i’m too far away from you.
we used to bury all our deads together,
but now i’m surrounded
but other seas and lands,
and you’re too far from me,
and i’m too jaded.
i’m only drowning in my tears and missing you,
wishing the world was small again,
wishing the lands were close again.
wishing that we were close again.

Gone

And when I opened my eyes

You were gone,

Just a lump of purple and sadness.

In my head there was a whirlwind

Talking over your voice

And I couldn’t hear anything

But the screams your closed mouth were shouting

Through my ears.

And then I closed my eyes

To see you again

But I couldn’t remember you at all.

It was such a long time ago when you left me,

Somehow I still miss you,

But the old you was gone too soon.

Now, your body left the earth too.