Birthday

It’s so difficult to be hopeful, like it’s expected of you, and yet so hard to achieve. You’re so compelled to keep on going, even if you don’t see a reason to, just because others expect that from you.

I go in circles from „there is no love” to „there’s someone out there for me” and back to „this whole world is hopeless”, and all of them are true and untrue at the same time.

I feel like I should be grateful for the opportunities I have to learn people and the opportunities I have for me to grow, but also this is so exhausting after a while. It feels like nothing makes sense or that maybe I’m looking for the wrong explanations for things.

Life should be more than black and white, and it’s not just grey. Life is cruel, and get forgiving. I am stupid and still learning, I am so strong and delicate.

It’s OK to lose people and to lose yourself, and it’s OK to gain them back, while you cut a new life for yourself. Life is not a straight road, it is convoluted and constantly changing.

And for the first time in such a long time I’m just happy with myself. What more could I want?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgSPVhwqjX0https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgSPVhwqjX0

all kinds of love

and i have yet to find the words,
while fumbling through the marks you’ve left behind,
and try to step on the imprints that you’ve left behind,
and try to clean the mess you’ve left behind.
but somehow i have the will to live in me still,
and i wake up morning after morning,
sit for 5 hours straight, and then get up and get on.
the world’s a hole,
but i’m still whole.
i’ve got all the kinds of love you’ll ever need,
even now, after you’ve gone away.
and i’ll give them to me, so they don’t get wasted.

close

we used to grow together,
and dream together,
and eat together,
but now the world’s too big for this,
and i’m too far away from you.
we used to bury all our deads together,
but now i’m surrounded
but other seas and lands,
and you’re too far from me,
and i’m too jaded.
i’m only drowning in my tears and missing you,
wishing the world was small again,
wishing the lands were close again.
wishing that we were close again.

Gone

And when I opened my eyes

You were gone,

Just a lump of purple and sadness.

In my head there was a whirlwind

Talking over your voice

And I couldn’t hear anything

But the screams your closed mouth were shouting

Through my ears.

And then I closed my eyes

To see you again

But I couldn’t remember you at all.

It was such a long time ago when you left me,

Somehow I still miss you,

But the old you was gone too soon.

Now, your body left the earth too.

Too Much

Homeless and sometimes broken,
Enough and sometimes way too much,
Spirits as high as kites
And steps as heavy as my heart,
Everything keeps knocking me down
And lifting me back up,
Trying me, making me confess
The tears and fears,
The times I tried,
The ones I couldn’t,
The more where I shouldn’t have
And above all
The all too much of living.

Bangs

All of the bangs I’ve had
They weren’t loud,
They weren’t tasty,
They weren’t mornings,
Nights and dreams,
They dissipated
Without disrupting,
They left a shadow
Without leaving marks,
They left a traces
Without leaving a scar.
All of the bangs
They didn’t give me power,
They didn’t give me pushes,
Love and gushes,
They gave me bitterness
And loneliness,
Without giving me a safe space.
They gave me wars
Without winning a battle,
They gave me sorrow
Without winning me a smile.
They gave me everything but me,
And everything but you.

Animal

I have a habit
where I love you so much,
I stare into your eyes
and they’re so deep,
and yet you never liked them,
and then I have another habit
of dreaming of you,
but loving me more,
and these two loves keep fighting each other,
and only one will win.