Deck

The devil is in the details, and I’m the devil now.

And you’re hooked on the details, but not on the devil.

Yet you keep searching, lighting the outside, forgetting about the inside.

And I’m not in your details, and now you’re my devil.

This judgement call brought no temperance, no strength, no magic.

This judgement call has me hanged upside down, and dying.

No justice, no peace, my crystal tower tumbling.

No wisdom, no truth, no hope, but your love is humbling.

I love you, but now how you want it.

I’m what you want, but now how you want it.

i am god

Tell me, son,

Does it hurt when kneeling at the altar

Of pain and torture

You created

With your own sweat and blood?

Does it hurt to keep consuming

Someone else’s flesh,

Their dreams and hope,

Their fluids,

Their menses,

Always assuming

That you’ll have access to this form

Of human,

Designed to serve you,

Designed to nurture you,

Designed to live at your feet,

Does it hurt to know

They’ll never have it better,

There’s no way out

For this poor soul,

They sign their contracts in the blood you let,

They eat your scraps,

They’re happy with your slaps,

Rather than nothing,

Rather than not being touched,

Rather than being starved,

Rather than be invisible,

They take whatever they can get from you,

And yet.

You still give them nothing.

Tell me son,

Is this how I taught you to live?

Is this how I share my wealth with you?

Do I let you shiver in the cold,

Walk barefoot through sand and rocks and wet rivers,

Do I spit on my already chewed food before I serve you?

You’re not who I thought you are,

And you say empty words of love and promises.

You’re not what I taught you to be.

I am god.

Infinitely.

mad

it’s easy to be mad,
to feel like you’re fighting the wrong way.
maybe you’re saying too much, or not enough.
you feel the ties, and then you feel like it’s a one way street,
and then you keep guessing what’s their next move,
it’s like a never ending movie
of rollercoaster rides,
of trying to ride the tides,
of not getting enough sleep or clarity,
of feeling like you’re asking for charity.
and yes, it’s easy to be mad,
when you’re only mad at yourself.
for being weak,
for being too strong,
too lame or too independent,
too angry, or too dependent,
careless or too demanding,
and there’s no right way of feeling these feelings,
but there’s a very wrong way to express them.
take your time, because they took everything from you.
you need to rebuild, you need to be thrilled.
let them have your old you, it’s easy to sleep with ghosts.
keep your new you to yourself, and move to the other coast.
it’s okay to be mad, it’s okay to be scared,
let your anger fuel you and let it be shared
with the root of all evil, this handsome devil,
that, in their stupid way, brought you to a higher level.

finite

is love finite? and is it spent?
sometimes it feels like our life is bent
and crossed
only for us to be oblivious and lost.
is our world finite? and is it spent?
it’s like my life is lived on borrowed time and lent,
and i keep trying to make small dents,
and all i get instead are
smiles that are lost,
arms that are crossed,
incredible losses and cost.

rebuilding

tougher to see the holes
after you shoot,
and so much harder to see it after you dig my grave
while you’re still asking for grace
and you’re here, like you still own the place,
and it’s like we’re in this race
who can forget this
and make it empty space,
who can forget this faster,
without using a plaster

old trauma

it’s like i’m reliving trauma from that summer,
when pain was tougher, and i only knew suffering,
it was the drunken nights,
the stolen lights,
remembering the tights and dresses,
the scars and the tresses,
and everything was a valley of low,
and nothing was a miserable blow
as much as you were.
in 2014 things were dark,
and so was i,
but i remember feeling so god damn alive.

move me

move me with currents
that pinch me
and lunge me
at walls and despair,
and give me the haunted
air
that will heal me,
it’s like there’s nothing besides me,
and nothing that hides me,
and yet i am hunted,
and thrown to the ground.
just leave me with ashes
and thunder
and sound.